What to wear

The dreaded dress code: it comes up when you are thumbing through a Zagat or a CitiGuide (you do have a Zagat Guide don’t you?) Personally, I have never found it too much of a problem, if jeans aren’t ok, then chances are you aren’t going to really find me there. I have been to some places though where this thing called a coat and noose (tie) are called for. Most unpleasant, but I am here to impart some knowledge as to how one can pull it off.

Step 1. Look in your closet. Do you see a suit? Good you have a suit, good for you, congratulations. On top of that you should have a blue blazer, velvet is in this season, but cotton is classic. Whatever, you should have a blue coat. Now this is important. Take your blue coat to a tailor/dry cleaner and say, “please take these nasty-ass god-awful gold buttons off this coat and please put some blue ones on it.” Once you pick up your coat, you will be the proud owner of a blue blazer that doesn’t look like you walked off of a yacht or out of your 1st communion photos.

Step 2. Learn to tie a noose/tie. Double Windsor, Single Windsor, just google them, and know them.

Step 3. Look at your shirts, the ones that have collars, and the ones that are polos. Never wear a polo with a coat, few people can pull it off well. So help you God if you try. Now if you are going to try to wear one of these oxford button-down type shirts without a tie, leave the top button undone, and this is the important part: wear a v-neck undershirt underneath. You should see no white shirt. That just looks sloppy man.

Step 4. Don’t pop your fucking collar.

Step 5. Re-read step 4, un-pop your collar now, say 10 Hail-Mary’s

Step 6. Pants. Length is crucial here, there should be a break on the top of your shoe. Men wear pants that are chronically short, they think that they should come up to the middle of the shoe, and they end up looking like Milton from Office Space. Not cool dude. They should be clean too. And unless you are wearing a suit, the pants shouldn’t match the color of the coat, because then you have to deal with contrast in texture and slight differences in color. Again, it just looks sloppy.

Step 7. Socks. Alright there are going to be some people that disagree here. My take is that men match the color of socks to the pants, and that women match the color of socks to the shoes. My younger brother matches the color of socks to the shoes and is dating the daughter of a Lebanese Princess. Go figure. So… I guess it is up to you.

Step 8. Own some nice shoes.

Now all of these are moot if you are like me and avoid places that require such niceties like the plague. Or just show up to some nice place in jeans and a blazer and when the maitre d’ coughs at you just say, “excuse me” and move on. They need your money. (you did bring some money right?)