College Romance
Over here I talk about what I think of romance in general. I.e. is chivalry dead and all that crap. Woe is me. But honestly this post is for the ladies (as I slip the coat hanger up her thigh - Stephen Lynch) and for the men who would like to land the ladies. Let’s sum it up in a few rules.
1. You are not fucking Casanova. Say it to yourself. I am in college. College girls like dollar drafts, beer pong champions, and boys with popped collars. Ok. Not so much on the fuckers with popped collars, but dollar drafts and beer pong - solid.
2. College friges should only contain Champagne if it is of the $7.00 Elrige wine and spirits variety. The exception to said rule is if you are celebrating i.e. anniversaries, end of finals, Thursday evening.
3. Bottle of vodka in freezer, Absolut if you want to come across as classy (although this person will know that you have a shitty taste in vodka and you only bought Absolute because it was slightly more expensive than Smirnoff ... Snob) Feel free to keep a bottle of Grey Goose, Ketel, or Belvedere in your dresser for yourself. Same goes if you are going to have whiskey. A bottle of Jack or Jim Beam does you fine.
4. You are not fucking Casanova. Candles and Jazz, no. Candles maybe, but only if your room smells like ass and you need the potpourri (disclaimer: you are not allowed to get caught with candles in McMahon Hall). Jazz? OK maybe for a boy's night you go to LC Jazz then out for a beer, or if you are awesome, you have a beer at LC Jazz. But jazz in the dorms does not equal panty droppage. Period.
5. Do not walk up to a random girl and ask what her opinion is on the US involvement in Opium trafficking in South East Burma. Whilst you may think it is pertinent and hot dinner conversation, at some point we are not going to care. Seriously, same goes true with your opinions on homoerotic tendencies of Greek poets. These are conversation killers. In a specific conversation feel free to pontificate about your Classical language knowledge and the nuances of Reagan's economic policy in South East Asia. When we are debating the hypothetical bout between sea cucumber and starfish, now is not the time.
6. Again, with the Casanova, we get the idea. Don't be the guy who shows up to dollar drafts wearing a blazer, tie, cufflinks, loafers and no socks. That t-shirt and jeans that you had on 2 days ago will do you just fine someone is going to spill beer on your anyways.
7. Kind of specific for the LC man (you know who you are). The old joke was that you would steal your hair products from your girlfriend. Stop with it already. Put down the pomade, and natural conditioning shampoo with lanolin extract. Buy soap cause it washes, use some goddam deodorant, and brush your teeth. If you own some Axe Body spray, give up now; you have so far to catch up that this list would have to be 43 more items long. If you have ever been described by the fairer sex as "shiny" you have a problem.
8. Finally 8, I have ranted about what I thought was not romantic, finally something that is. Being your fucking self. Not being some creepy asshole trying to come across as Benjamin Braddock, the man "old for his years." This is not free license to be a jerk or a slob and it doesn't mean that you have to hang out only at the LP without venturing to Stone Rose, Bar Masa, Vintage, or the Speakeasy. Those are fantastic places to have a one-drink evening with good friends. And if you do decide to take a lady there make sure that you know her, and know her well enough that she is going to enjoy the more intimate atmosphere. It adds more pressure to the whole situation causing everyone to feel like they have to perform more.
1. You are not fucking Casanova. Say it to yourself. I am in college. College girls like dollar drafts, beer pong champions, and boys with popped collars. Ok. Not so much on the fuckers with popped collars, but dollar drafts and beer pong - solid.
2. College friges should only contain Champagne if it is of the $7.00 Elrige wine and spirits variety. The exception to said rule is if you are celebrating i.e. anniversaries, end of finals, Thursday evening.
3. Bottle of vodka in freezer, Absolut if you want to come across as classy (although this person will know that you have a shitty taste in vodka and you only bought Absolute because it was slightly more expensive than Smirnoff ... Snob) Feel free to keep a bottle of Grey Goose, Ketel, or Belvedere in your dresser for yourself. Same goes if you are going to have whiskey. A bottle of Jack or Jim Beam does you fine.
4. You are not fucking Casanova. Candles and Jazz, no. Candles maybe, but only if your room smells like ass and you need the potpourri (disclaimer: you are not allowed to get caught with candles in McMahon Hall). Jazz? OK maybe for a boy's night you go to LC Jazz then out for a beer, or if you are awesome, you have a beer at LC Jazz. But jazz in the dorms does not equal panty droppage. Period.
5. Do not walk up to a random girl and ask what her opinion is on the US involvement in Opium trafficking in South East Burma. Whilst you may think it is pertinent and hot dinner conversation, at some point we are not going to care. Seriously, same goes true with your opinions on homoerotic tendencies of Greek poets. These are conversation killers. In a specific conversation feel free to pontificate about your Classical language knowledge and the nuances of Reagan's economic policy in South East Asia. When we are debating the hypothetical bout between sea cucumber and starfish, now is not the time.
6. Again, with the Casanova, we get the idea. Don't be the guy who shows up to dollar drafts wearing a blazer, tie, cufflinks, loafers and no socks. That t-shirt and jeans that you had on 2 days ago will do you just fine someone is going to spill beer on your anyways.
7. Kind of specific for the LC man (you know who you are). The old joke was that you would steal your hair products from your girlfriend. Stop with it already. Put down the pomade, and natural conditioning shampoo with lanolin extract. Buy soap cause it washes, use some goddam deodorant, and brush your teeth. If you own some Axe Body spray, give up now; you have so far to catch up that this list would have to be 43 more items long. If you have ever been described by the fairer sex as "shiny" you have a problem.
8. Finally 8, I have ranted about what I thought was not romantic, finally something that is. Being your fucking self. Not being some creepy asshole trying to come across as Benjamin Braddock, the man "old for his years." This is not free license to be a jerk or a slob and it doesn't mean that you have to hang out only at the LP without venturing to Stone Rose, Bar Masa, Vintage, or the Speakeasy. Those are fantastic places to have a one-drink evening with good friends. And if you do decide to take a lady there make sure that you know her, and know her well enough that she is going to enjoy the more intimate atmosphere. It adds more pressure to the whole situation causing everyone to feel like they have to perform more.
posted by Godot at 1:16 PM
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