Mail Bag! (kinda)

Your friendly Guy’s Guide writers can sometimes be nosey. We are always curious as to how you get to our page. Some of you know us personally, other people google something randomly and we pop up, someone plays a practical joke on you and you end up here. This post has been ripped straight from the stalker file. Someone searched this: “why can I not find a guy to love me” the other day and was pointed to Guy’s Guide.

I don’t think we have the answer to your question, but maybe one of us could try? So here’s my stab at it.

First a couple of questions, are you loving yourself? I know from experience that a hard relationship can make you question your own self-worth, especially if there was infidelity, lying, or general disrespect. It makes you question whether or not you are worthy of being loved. It took me awhile to come to the realization that I was worth being loved again, and then and only then could I realize that there are people out there who do love me.

Following in the ‘know thyself’ vein, I think it is easier to find someone who will love you if you know who you are, what you stand for, what you want, what you have lived so far. All of these questions have answers that are going to grow and expand with time as you really realize who you are.

I don’t think that there is a ‘special someone’ for everyone out there. I believe in the potentiality to fall in love with many people over the course of a lifetime. We are way too complex to just have a random one person that is out there. If a guy doesn’t love you, that’s his problem, not yours.

So ms. 68.153.241 from Greensborough Alabama I hope this helped you out, good luck.

Your digits

So, the modern man is stuck with a new quandary. I found myself at a charity event/meat market a while ago. It was a fantastic time, for a great cause, and the company was top notch. One of our company handed out his card with his number on it to one of the attendees, and I was posed with the quandary, why didn’t he get her number in return? I never did get a chance to ask him.

So like us Guys’ Guide Guys tend to do, we took some rough stabs in the dark and came up with some ludicrous and some reasonable solutions to this quandary.
1. He was blitzed beyond his means and forgot to ask. Ok, this is probably not the case, but you never know, this one is doubtful.
2. He was seeding the crowd with the hopes of getting a better return. Kind of like going out there and sowing your wild oats, the more kids you have the less likely it is that one of them is going to screw up. I do not feel as if I am this cynical yet to think that this is what the friend was doing. There is a chance of “hey, the more my number is out there, the higher likelihood that someone is going to call it.” Possible, but not probable.
3. Again, this one being possible, but I doubt that it was the case, maybe this friend couldn’t gauge the girls interest and was afraid of being shot down. This guy is pretty confident in the ladies dept. And women wouldn’t like a guy who is afraid of being shot down (I know, I am kind of one of those guys, and the ladies don’t show the love for the Godot)
4. He could be a bit of a lazy dater, someone who wants to put the ball in her court and give the option of calling him. Now I don’t mean this to be derogatory, but if a guy gives you his number, and doesn’t ask for yours, you are under no obligation to call him, but you have the chance to, so if you were into him, call leave a short message. Put the ball back in his court, lazy bastard.

Stiff Upper Lip

First of all, let me just say that I don't consider myself to be a superficial guy. In fact, I'm the one that goes "Yeah.. but you know, when she's making jokes.. she's kind of cute"'

Having said that, lets just set something straight. Ladies, whoever told you that it's okay to bleach your mustache hair blonde was wrong. Dead wrong. Did you think we just wouldn't notice?! Why would you ever do that? And I have seen some of you ladies, who appear to shave other areas, with this minor monstrosity on your upper lip. Do you think I want to feel that when I'm kissing you?

My guess is that someone told you that if you wax it, like other things, it'll grow faster and thicker and you'll be forced to pay for it to be waxed again. For your sake and mine, buy one less bag (Because us guys really can't tell the difference) and get that thing removed.

What to wear

The dreaded dress code: it comes up when you are thumbing through a Zagat or a CitiGuide (you do have a Zagat Guide don’t you?) Personally, I have never found it too much of a problem, if jeans aren’t ok, then chances are you aren’t going to really find me there. I have been to some places though where this thing called a coat and noose (tie) are called for. Most unpleasant, but I am here to impart some knowledge as to how one can pull it off.

Step 1. Look in your closet. Do you see a suit? Good you have a suit, good for you, congratulations. On top of that you should have a blue blazer, velvet is in this season, but cotton is classic. Whatever, you should have a blue coat. Now this is important. Take your blue coat to a tailor/dry cleaner and say, “please take these nasty-ass god-awful gold buttons off this coat and please put some blue ones on it.” Once you pick up your coat, you will be the proud owner of a blue blazer that doesn’t look like you walked off of a yacht or out of your 1st communion photos.

Step 2. Learn to tie a noose/tie. Double Windsor, Single Windsor, just google them, and know them.

Step 3. Look at your shirts, the ones that have collars, and the ones that are polos. Never wear a polo with a coat, few people can pull it off well. So help you God if you try. Now if you are going to try to wear one of these oxford button-down type shirts without a tie, leave the top button undone, and this is the important part: wear a v-neck undershirt underneath. You should see no white shirt. That just looks sloppy man.

Step 4. Don’t pop your fucking collar.

Step 5. Re-read step 4, un-pop your collar now, say 10 Hail-Mary’s

Step 6. Pants. Length is crucial here, there should be a break on the top of your shoe. Men wear pants that are chronically short, they think that they should come up to the middle of the shoe, and they end up looking like Milton from Office Space. Not cool dude. They should be clean too. And unless you are wearing a suit, the pants shouldn’t match the color of the coat, because then you have to deal with contrast in texture and slight differences in color. Again, it just looks sloppy.

Step 7. Socks. Alright there are going to be some people that disagree here. My take is that men match the color of socks to the pants, and that women match the color of socks to the shoes. My younger brother matches the color of socks to the shoes and is dating the daughter of a Lebanese Princess. Go figure. So… I guess it is up to you.

Step 8. Own some nice shoes.

Now all of these are moot if you are like me and avoid places that require such niceties like the plague. Or just show up to some nice place in jeans and a blazer and when the maitre d’ coughs at you just say, “excuse me” and move on. They need your money. (you did bring some money right?)

Getting Shot Down

Are you a sadist? Want to read the story of a man being taken in a chewed up by a bar wench? Click here, I won’t tell.

The Heisman

Heisman: v. 1. To be shoved off. 2. Denied. 3. To be shot down in a bar. 4. To go in for the kiss and get the cheek, not the lips. 5. To have a martini thrown in your face. Use in sentence. Dude, you totally were given the heisman tonight. Or No way she most definitely heismaned me.

Watch out for the heisman kids. It destroys dreams and kills the mood of the evening, unless of course you are the one doling out the stiff arm…

Dating in McMahon

There really are two types of dates that one can go on here. Good ones and Bad ones. I know it may be kind of simple to be so presumptuous about the lack of dating action that the people at this school get (not that they don’t get action hehe, but dating action specifically). I think first it would be important to define good dates. Good dates should be comfortable, meaning that neither party feels the need to not be themselves.

If I even thought about taking a girl to Tavern on the Green, that would be a bad date, I hate that place, and wouldn’t be caught dead there, not to mention the food is bad, and that my credit card was declined and my girlfriend had to help out with the tab … so embarrassing. That would be a bad date.

Here is another bad date, you are sitting in the movie theatre and the (hot) lady actor comes on the screen, you pitch a tent and the girl notices, gets offended, and throws her Diet Coke in your face, you have to watch the rest of the movie by yourself whilst sitting in Coke. That was not fun.

Good dates? Hmm, they should be cheap there should be no worrying about fighting over who gets to pay the check, I am a fan of dive restaurants, good food, terrible atmosphere, and you really get to enjoy the person that you are with. Hotdogs and tatertots with a PBR in the East Village … totally awesome just like grade school, except for the beer thing … well for most of us.

Or the time you sneaked into … any story that starts with this line is gonna be a top 10 date. Whether it is crashing an Asian wedding in Central Park (bonus points if you wait in the reception line and get a photo), a movie premier, a Fordham Alumni event where your name tag read Heywood Jabloweme and you made off with some free food and booze, if the story starts with “One time we snuck into….” You are golden.

The “non-date” dates are pretty awesome too, watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles with friends, even cooler if there are baked goods served. Or walking to a friend to work, even if it means that you have to trek way over to the East Side, those can be pretty much the coolest ever.

So I guess after that pretty much retarded rant you come up with: go places where you are comfortable.

The face grab

If you're at a bar, and you've had a few drinks, you may be a candidate for what we here at the The Guy's Guide, affectionately call, the "face grab."

If you're talking to a girl and you've just spouted some brilliance or you made fun of the fact that she lives on the East Side, or you just danced with her for the entire duration of "Redneck Woman" or you made a really lame joke, but she's so drunk that she thinks it might be funny, you may be rewarded with some hand-to-face action.

Now a guy may misinterpret this move, so lets make it clear.

The one-handed face grab= "Aww, you're so cute! And I so have a boyfriend"

The two-handed face grab= "Kiss me right NOW"

Use it wisely, my friends.

The Songs We Love to Hate

It’s time for one of these posts. It happens to be that when you are at a bar, with some dude playing CD’s (not even a respectable jukebox mind you) that the songs are gonna be a bit awkward. They might play some pop, some reggae, throw some country in there, maybe a little rap, some Beastie Boys, it is gonna be all over the place like a bad kisser. So here it is the (non) definitive list of Songs-I-should-not-know-in-a-bar-but-sing-at-the-top-of-my-lungs-anyways
-cause-there-are-ladies-around. (feel free to add your own in the comments)

1. Anything by Britney, Christina, Ashley Simpson (eh, or you could lip sing like she does…), if Ricky Martin comes on, just go man, the night is over.
2. Now, some Madonna songs are acceptable, I was informed tonight that ‘like a prayer’ is ok for a guy to know, but if you are singing along to material girl, fuck dude, pop your collar and raise your cosmo-apple-polin-tini.
3. Backstreet Boys probably were covered in the first post, but if you are shouting out “as long as you love me” (and know the dance steps … I am so ashamed of myself right now) then you might as well admit that you are never going to be happy until Wham! gets back together. Go ahead just admit it.
4. Remember Seal? Unfortunately so do I, that was a trend that I am glad died. Emphasis on “dead” here, down be the guy that go asks to hear “crazy” and sing it with the hand motions, you and number 2 boy should get along fine.
5. If M.C. Hammer comes on and you hi-five your boys, don’t feel bad when it isn’t reciprocated. I don’t think anymore needs to be said, except that dammit guys, why didn’t you tell me that M.C. Hammer was no longer cool, I can’t believe that you left me in the dark like that.

So there, I’ve done it, guys in bars looking for love? If you know these songs, just know them on the inside. Maybe go over to the D.J. slip him a fiver and get some U2, maybe some Bon Jovi, something that will allow you to raise your pint over your head and not feel ashamed.

When to Call

Over here I answered the age old question of when to call after getting a number, if you want to read the answer in 889 words click here. If you want to just know the answer: whenver you feel like it, just don't be an ass like Mikey in Swingers.